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Home Yakezie Forums Yakezie Reader Insights Need some advice for my sister…

Need some advice for my sister…
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8:53 am
October 14, 2011


Aaron Hung

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I know this is kind of a personal question but was wondering if any of you can give me some advice to give to my sis…

If it doesn't fit with Yakezie, please take it down :)

 

Here's the story about my sis, she's been with this guy for 3 years now and all this time I only thought it was just a little crush and they would break up and move on but I was wrong. She's in college going for nursing and this guy she's with does not have anything going for him, not in college, keeps getting fired from different jobs…just nothing. I know love overcome all things but sometimes we have to face reality, is he someone who can support her in the future or is she going to have to support him? My dad was really devastated when he found out she was dating him, our cultures are totally different too. Honestly, I don't really want her to date him either and I only want what's best for her but it's her life, so how can I tell her in a way so that she doesn't feel betrayed and start realizing that there are other people out there?

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9:17 am
October 14, 2011


Miss T @ Prairie Eco-Thrifter

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Try to express your concerns in a neutral way but also let her know that all you want is for her to be happy and successful and that is your main reason for the discussion. If she assures you she is doing well, then you just have to let her be.

Miss T

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9:19 am
October 14, 2011


sooverthis

Kentucky

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I think if you tell her what you think, you risk her getting defensive (and more determined to stay in the relationship). Have you talked to her about this at all? Is she happy with this guy? I would approach it in this way – ask her how things are going with him and whether she's happy. Follow up with, "I just wondered because Dad and I are concerned that he doesn't seem too responsible. We both want to make sure you're happy and taken care of." Remind her that you're there for her if she needs to talk, then slowly back away from the conversation. 

I know it's hard to watch someone in a situation that is obviously not the best, but she's an adult. Any form of intervention, which she may interpret as an attempt to control her, could make things worse. Just trust that she'll get tired of his crap eventually, and be supportive either way. After 3 years, she may be just fine with the way things are. OR she may be miserable and unsure of how to end things. No matter what happens, it will help her to know that you're concerned (without trying to take over) and that she can talk to you if she needs to.

Hope that helps!

 

 

 

12:27 pm
October 14, 2011


Tony Chou @ Investorz' Blog

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Aaron Hung said:

I know this is kind of a personal question but was wondering if any of you can give me some advice to give to my sis…

If it doesn't fit with Yakezie, please take it down :)

Here's the story about my sis, she's been with this guy for 3 years now and all this time I only thought it was just a little crush and they would break up and move on but I was wrong. She's in college going for nursing and this guy she's with does not have anything going for him, not in college, keeps getting fired from different jobs…just nothing. I know love overcome all things but sometimes we have to face reality, is he someone who can support her in the future or is she going to have to support him? My dad was really devastated when he found out she was dating him, our cultures are totally different too. Honestly, I don't really want her to date him either and I only want what's best for her but it's her life, so how can I tell her in a way so that she doesn't feel betrayed and start realizing that there are other people out there?

But what does she see in him?

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1:09 pm
October 14, 2011


Squirrelers

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Post edited 1:10 pm – October 14, 2011 by Squirrelers

I think a frank, caring talk would be appropriate. Keeping in mind that you're only interested in her happiness and well-being.  And hey, if she makes more money than him and ends up supports a household, that's really no different than a guy doing it, right? As long as he's a responsible person.

Noting that you'd support her with whatever she chooses to do, however, is key I think. After all, she's grown up but is still your sister no matter what she does.  Also, I like the advice given before me by Miss T and Andrea.

Ray

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1:49 pm
October 14, 2011


Aaron Hung

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Thanks guys, Yeah Andrea it's best that I approach her in a calm and caring manner being careful not to be too direct.

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3:31 pm
October 14, 2011


retireby40

USA

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Can you kick this guy's ass? haha, just joking. Laugh

I don't know man. One thing I know is that you can't live other people's lives for them.

Let your sister know how you feel and be supportive.

Maybe get to know this guy a bit more and find out what she sees in him. Steve Jobs quit college and couldn't hold a job either right?

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3:42 pm
October 14, 2011


Buck Inspire

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Tough situation.

I've been trying to improve my communication skills and here's what I found.  You aggressively pushing one choice on the person you are trying to help will only push them away. 

Your best bet is to stay calm. 

Present the two options and list the pros and cons. 

You have to show you are neutral and objective either way. 

It is your job to perhaps steer the person with additional pros for the choice that you want. 

Ideally the person can see it for themselves and choose the option that you wanted in the first place, but THEY need to choose.  Last thing your sister wants to do is deal with "I have to dump my BF because dad and brother told me so."

Good Luck.

Buck Inspire

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4:34 pm
October 14, 2011


Buck Inspire

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Last thing.  No matter what the person decides.  You have to support their answer as they are an adult and you can't live their life.  Good Luck!

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5:32 pm
October 14, 2011


MaximizingMoney

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Aaron Hung said:

My dad was really devastated when he found out she was dating him, our cultures are totally different too.

I don't mean this in an offensive way, but it sounds like you guys might have been just a little prejudice against this boyfriend from the beginning, since you said they've been together for 3 years and all that time you thought they would break up, plus maybe because of your cultural differences, you've had a hard time relating to him, or at least your dad has.

Before saying anything to your sister, I would really ask yourself how well you know this person and how much you know about their relationship, because maybe they're really in love and he makes her really happy and is a nice guy and treats her nicely.

You may also be absolutely correct, he may be a lazy good-for-nothing boyfriend that she'll have to support, but just make sure you're approaching your sister from the right frame of mind, or you'll most likely end up offending her.

Plus, it sounds like they're young, since she's in college (maybe early 20's I'm guessing), so maybe he's lost a few jobs for some stupid stuff, maybe he's not going to college for whatever reason right now, but it doesn't mean he'll be a loser for life or anything. Maybe he just hasn't found his path yet.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents, I love these types of Yakezie posts by the way.

9:32 am
October 19, 2011


Forest Parks

Cairo, Egypt

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Maximising Money, awesome response and exactly along the lines of what I was thinking.

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