It’s easy to fall into the comparison trap. You see someone with more success than you and wonder, Why them and not me?
Always comparing yourself to others can leave you bitter if you do it too much, and don’t know all the facts. Jealousy is so unattractive, it’s easy to spot from faraway.
Unless you know the person’s age, education, occupation, number of hours worked, and enabling relationships, comparing yourself is a futile game.
THE PERSON WHO ALWAYS HAS MORE
Nancy is overweight, stands 5 feet 2 inch tall, and at 30 years old, makes about $90,000 a year as an “internet marketer”. She’s got three years of experience and thinks she’s the bomb. “Dear Readers, I am the Queen because I make so much online! Yihaw!” Writing about how successful she is to the world helps with her self-esteem because she was never very well liked growing up and no guy asked her to the prom. Nancy was actually a very pleasant person before she started making a lot of money. Unfortunately, money changed her for the worse.
All is good until Nancy meets her online nemesis, Jessica. Jessica is in internet marketing as well, but claims to make $250,000 a year online. Not only that, Jessica is two years younger than Nancy at 28, stands 5 feet 8 inches, with beautiful skin, and is drop dead gorgeous! Given Jessica makes $250,000 a year online, she’s much less vocal about her success because she knows her income is much larger than most incomes. Jessica is every guys dream girl, and as a result, she’s never short of attention.
Nancy just can’t stand Jessica. Every chance Nancy gets to throw cheap shots at Jessica, she does. From talking bad behind Jessica’s back, to stealing Jessica’s ideas, to leaving passive aggressive comments, Nancy does it all!
AND THEN THERE IS ONE MORE!
About a year of jealousy passes before Nancy and Jessica stumble across another internet marketer named Michelle. Michelle makes $500,000 a year online, is just as beautiful as Jessica, but is also a wonderful wife and a mother of two! At 32 years old, Michelle got her MBA from Columbia and had a successful stint at a start-up before jumping feet first into the online marketing space five years ago.
Michelle has a loving husband and is always being invited to interview on TV by local and national stations. Nancy and Jessica can’t help but see Michelle everywhere, online and offline. Both women aren’t pleased, but Nancy in particular is wondering what the hell! How can there be a woman I hate more than Jessica? Michelle makes 5X more than me, is better looking, has a hunky husband who looks like George Clooney, and has a beautiful boy and girl!
Nancy goes berserk, and does her best to spread nasty rumors not only about Jessica, but also about her newest nemesis, Michelle. Every other sentence that comes out of Nancy’s mouth is about how Michelle is such a fake, and how she’s out of touch with the real world. Nancy’s favorite spew is that Michelle spends more on cosmetics and plastic surgery than the average household income a year!
Curiously, Jessica begins to look up to Michelle as an older version of herself after realizing there’s no point being jealous. As a beautiful woman herself, Jessica knows that she too can have it all. Unfortunately for Nancy, not so much.
LET’S UNDERSTAND THE LADIES BETTER
You can see how constantly comparing yourself to others constantly leads to unhappiness. Nancy is so insecure with herself, that instead of focusing her energy on building her business and affecting that which she can change, she’s occupied with other people’s successes instead.
Nancy: Was a B student in high school, attended Iowa State, and landed a $30,000 a year job as a clerical worker. Her parents are divorced and make a combined $50,000 a year. Nancy has always wanted to be a mom. She got married when she was 25 to a man that she’s unsure is fit to be a good father. She felt that if she didn’t marry him then, she would never get married because nobody wanted an older, dumpier version of herself. Her husband doesn’t have a stable, well-paying job, and isn’t motivated to succeed as much as Nancy. As a result, Nancy feels like she has to be the major breadwinner in order to fulfill her dreams of having a family. The pressure is killing her. Nancy means well, but she is immature. Her lack of self-esteem constantly makes her channel energy towards things that are a waste of time.
Jessica: Was an A student in high school, attended UCLA on a partial scholarship, and landed a $50,000 a year job in internet software sales. Her parents are still together and make a combined $500,000 a year as doctors living in Beverly Hills. Jessica was prom queen her senior year and always dated the most popular guys in school. Ever since Jessica was a baby, everybody adored her because she was and is so beautiful. Jessica didn’t have to try as hard as others to get ahead, because people were always giving her free passes. Despite her cushy life, Jessica decided she didn’t want to get ahead based on her looks and other people’s charity. As a result, she purposefully tried to hide her looks by tying up her hair in a bun, wearing glasses and baggy clothes, and no make up. Jessica worked harder and longer than all her classmates and co-workers to prove to everyone that she wasn’t defined by her looks. Even still, she couldn’t avoid every male she encounters wanting to buy her a drink, invite her to events, and give her promotions she thought she didn’t deserve. As a result, she decided to quit her job and try make it on her own as an entrepreneur.
Michelle: Was the valedictorian of her class, went to Harvard on a full scholarship, and joined an internet startup for $100,000 a year with options that could potentially be worth millions. Michelle’s parents died in a car accident when she was 13 years old. As a result, Michelle was raised by her alcoholic uncle was secretly abused her. At the age of 16, Michelle had enough and reported him to the police where they sentenced him to 8 years in prison. Michelle moved on to stay with foster parents until she was old enough to go to college. The internet start-up Michelle joined ended up going bankrupt, but Michelle learned more in those several years than any other job could have taught her. Undeterred, Michelle started her own firm with the savings she had and toiled away non-stop for 15 hours a day for one year before she made her first sale. Years later, her company was making millions a year in profits, so she decided to set up her own charitable foundation. Her charity helps abused female children just like herself through counseling, education, and financial aid for college. During her charity event, she met her future husband. And from there, the rest is history.
COMPARISONS WILL LEAD TO MISERY IF YOU DON’T KNOW THE FULL STORY
We can’t stop comparing ourselves to others. But, unless we know everything there is to know about the other person, we’ll always find some perceived injustices that will make us unhappy. Upon hearing Jessica and Michelle’s full story, Nancy no longer hates them and begins to collaborate.
I suggest everyone look for the story behind the story. When you see someone who is more successful than you, get INSPIRED! Look to understand what they did to get to where they are. See these people as mentors rather than competitors. If you do, not only will you get farther in life, you’ll be much happier as well.
Readers, is it impossible to stop comparing ourselves to others? What are the ways in which you have replaced jealousy with something positive?
How do men and women compare in terms of their jealousy levels? Why?
Photo: From Forbes, who borrowed it from public domain.
Regards,
Sam
If you enjoyed this article, sign up for our RSS feed and like us on Facebook.
It is much better to more focus on yourself and your success than it is to focus too much on others. It is probably true that it is natural to compare yourself with others, but like you said, it should be done in a positive way and used as inspiration. Good post!
It is not possible to stop comparing – ourselves or things. This is because all our judgements result from comparison; and our judgements are what is in the basis of our actions, decisions etc. (there is a lot of mythology that we decide on the basis of fact – don’t fall for it). What we can change is how we use comparison – which is very well captured by your story/case.
I think that comparing yourself to others implies that you see the world as fair. We all know it just isn’t the case.It would be easy to compare myself to other online phenomenons and get jealous. I could say, “If only I started blogging when JD did… ” or something like that. Doing this won’t do my any good and it assumes that I would have been able to be just as successful in the same situation. That’s obviously not the case. I dont think i could have stuck with it in the beginning without a huge support group. There are too many factors and play, and like you said in another post about growing up in a rich family vs. not, it’s not always black and white which income level is “better”.
ONe thing that struck me about competition is that with blogging, however, it’s a little different. I find that people are kind and welcoming, no jealousy. Of course, there’s al evel of anonymity so it is hard to compare. This is a great post, but you know, even if you do have the whole story about people, comparisons are still dangerous!
It’s kind of hard to look at others and not have comparisons come up. For me, the key is to keep things in perspective. For instance, in terms of my blogging, I do what I can when I can, but don’t let what others do affect me. Some people are obsessed with being all places at all times, and are constantly connected to twitter, facebook, etc. Some people are happy putting out what I would consider pretty bland and repetitive information with no added value just to have something new on their site. Some people will do anything for money. That’s just how they are and it’s important to understand that not everyone is the same, so the surface comparisons cannot really mean all that much.
If I don’t get a chance to write something because I’m working out and won’t have the time, so be it. If I have the chance to go be among friends and family and a post doesn’t get written, so be it. If my career gets in the way, so be it. I have no illusions of who or what I am in the online world. It’s just like in the real world–there is always going to be someone who is smarter, more talented, works harder, is better connected, whatever the case may be. If you are happy with yourself, then it shouldn’t matter what anyone else is doing.
I’m going to argue that “real world” comparisons are even more dangerous than online. Even though in the online world, you can see the feedcount, and public displays how self-greatness, in the real world, it’s harder to tell about how much someone has AND yet it is easier to tell what they look like, their charisma, their personalities etc.
You have a good attitude. Not comparing is hard.
True, but in either case, I don’t give a crap because I can only control me! That’s the basic summation on my feelings about all of that stuff.
I think it’s human nature to compare ourselves with others and it can be completely healthy if we use it to better ourselves and learn from what others are doing “right” or what we aspire to do ourselves. When competition turns nasty and untrue rumors begin to spring up, then it’s no longer beneficial.Heck, who hasn’t thought unkind things about people that make us a wee bit jealous? But, acting on those thoughts doesn’t do anyone any good.
Hahaha I just said the same thing (pretty much) and then I’ve read your comment. Great minds think alike! :)
Even when you do know the full story, some people are just better than you. Meaning, they’re excelling in areas you’d like to excel in and their lives aren’t plagued by disasters and shortcomings you wish they suffered from in order to feel better about yourself. Accept it. And focus your energy on designing a life you can be proud of. The clock is ticking.
I have to agree, which is why I changed my thought process a couple years after college that there is more money and success out there than I know. I’ve given in to the fact that most people are better than me at doing everything. That has given me the motivation to focus on what I can do and try harder.
I think it is our human nature to compare ourselves to others. We will always compare. It is in our blood. Most important thing is what we are going to do after we compared, evaluated, felt jealous because we thought we are not doing as well, felt happy because we were doing better? For me any comparison is just another piece of information to be processed. It depends on a person what she/he will get out of it.
Interesting post Sam, with a lot of great points. I really like that you called out enabling relationships early on, because I think that is a key point.
I think jealousy is ugly and destructive, as you pointed out in this article. I do end up comparing myself to others, but I try to let it motivate me. It’s more of a reverence or looking up to, rather than trying to find their flaws. I think comparison can be a great motivator, but more often than not, will lead to jealousy and bitterness.
Just out of curiosity, are these real people?
And I am the type who is motivated by others. I can feel happy for them because I am happy in my own life, and because if I want something like theirs, I can simply work for it myself. It’s a great feeling!
The three ladies are fictional characters that have attributes from people I’ve come across in my life.
I like your attitude about motivation and happiness. So true!
I don’t think you could have picked a better picture for this post, lol.
I do this a lot. If I start to feel jealous of someone’s success, I think of the things I have that they may not, like a great family, a nice steady income, good health, etc. Most of us are truly equals when it comes down to it anyway.
Pretty funny huh? I found it from Forbes.com, who took it from another site who edited it with captions, who found it from public domain. I better double check, just to be sure!
I am very competitive by nature and use other people to motivate me as though we were in a contest. That is where it stops! I am not envious or jealous. It is probably because I am focused on my own goals or happiness.
Perhaps being jealous helps get one farther though?
Serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Thinking about this before you compare yourself to others will usually stop you and make you focus on yourself.
I call this “Circle of Knowledge” — our jealousy stems only from those we think that we know about. We get jealous if some friends make more money than us, but we don’t feel same way about someone else who is making more than our friends because we don’t know those people.
I pity those people who compare themselves to others. They may not be aware that each of us are different and each of us have special qualities that set us apart from other people. I would rather develop what I have and get inspired with the success of other people. Positive vibes!
Whenever I feel the urge to want to be someone else I truly have to sit back and look at the bigger picture. It’s ok to want people have because it helps us strive but that’s it.
Jealousy is a happiness zapper. There will always be someone better looking, smarter, wealthier, etc. Finding a way to use them as inspiration and motivation to better oneself is way better than being jealous and fuming. There’s no guarantee that if you’d be happy if you were in their shoes anyway. Be thankful for what you DO have and find ways to give back and help others.
Dr. Charles Richard’s, author of The Psychology of Wealth responded to that same issue in my interview with him (please excuse the self promotion, but if you’re interested the interview is up http://barbarafriedbergpersonalfinance.com/control-envy-boost-wealth/). I’m glad you brought up this topic because of it’s universal applicability. Who doesn’t experience a touch of envy from time to time. And if not combated immediately, it will tear you up!
This is something that I’m guilty of. I find myself always comparing myself to others but I know I need to stop! It does help me reach my end goal, but constantly comparing yourself is unhealthy.
Great articule….I think many of us have a lil bit of green eyed monster in us. SOMETIMES it can motivate us to strive to do better…but too much is unhealthy…Thanks MrCBB sent me here to learn !
I won’t lie there was a point in my life where I wanted to be much more successful than my mates. Then I realized that my life, is my life, not their life.You simply can’t think about what others have, we all know what credit can buy! I now live my life the way I want to, success belongs to the standards I set for myself and no one else. You’re right every person has a story but maybe not the story with the ending you imagine. Taking control of my own life was the best decision I ever made. Mr.CBB
I actually find that comparing myself to others actually gives me motivation. It gives me something to strive towards. It’s the “ooo, I want to be like him/her” effect. Is it a bad thing? Well it keeps me motivated. Sadly from my Academic Research for my degree (Would you rather be the richest of the poor or the poorest of the rich?), I found that we are forever comparing ourselves to others and will forever inflate our goals once we reach them. With this in mind, do we just give up, hold our hands in the air and claim that’s human nature to continually elevate one’s goals? I would like to believe that we can reach an inner peace. I’m just not sure how?
While I would never recommend the actions of Nancy I think there are times when a little comparison can be a good thing. Creating things to strive to, adoration, and mentorship is great but sometimes I think that we all need a little extra push – a little irrationality to keep our fires going. Everyonce and a while I think it might do some good to pop our heads up, take some stake in what’s going on around us (or in our industry) and set our sites on something to strive to. The trick their is like everyone else said to focus on the things you can control and not just wasting energy on the things you can’t :)
You just never (ever) know the full story. My friend hates that she’s still single and everyone in her peer group is at least in a serious relationship, and most are married. She is really envious of our mutual friend who seems to have it all: great job, doting husband, perfect baby, but my envious friend doesn’t have any idea how hard our mutual friend works in her job, and has NO IDEA how hard and stressful it was to have a baby. You can’t be jealous of one aspect of someone’s life, because they don’t get to only have the enviable part!
Nancy’s actions are not the preferred type, but I do see my self often admiring someone from afar. No, I’m not the hating type unless they’re trying to shove something in my face, but humble successful people who do their own thing and don’t brag are the types I admire from afar. Watch, take mental notes and learn on what they’re doing that makes them that way.
I pity those people who compare themselves to others. They may not be aware that each of us are different and each of us have special qualities that set us apart from other people. I would rather develop what I have and get inspired with the success of other people. Positive vibes!
I feel bad for Nancy. What if her parents had not been divorced? What if she had been luckier in the genetic lottery? However, you also have the Michelles that have been through even worse and managed to plow through it. I think at the end of the day jealousy is mostly destructive (a little bit is OK if it can be put to good use!), and it’s best to concentrate on your own life and on the things you care about, instead of worrying so much about other people. Unhappiness comes from coveting, which means that you can be rich and still unhappy if you can’t shake those feelings.
P.S. Personally, the compare thing has been one of the harder things for me to get over mentally, especially when I was much younger. I think getting out of the country and travelling a bit, as well as my recent moves have really helped out a lot. It’s OK to have the feeling to want to compare; we are only human! It’s just another challenge to get over and nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s possible to be much happier in life once you can conquer it. I’m not there completely. ;)
[…] Money Fever 15 Ways to Save on Movie Theater Ticket Prices & Concessions at Money Crashers Quit Comparing Yourself to Others Without Knowing Everything First at Yakezie Updates 7 Reasons Why Your Neighbors Have More Money Than You at MoneyNing Don’t […]