I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and most of it has to do with family stuff. My parents health problems, my cousin’s wedding, issues with my aunts, my in-laws retirement plans, and deep thoughts about becoming a parent.
Most families are complicated, and mine is definitely right up there. I actually think is one of the reasons I’ve had so many doubts over the last several years about if and when is the best time to have kids.
Thinking About The Future
Time has really started to catch up with me this year though, and made me realize how much family influences and supports us, especially as we get older. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends traveling like crazy for work, family events, socializing more with new friends, and attacking a large list of 2012 goals. All of this has definitely made me think more about the future and where my life is headed.
Since my parents and in-laws will need more and more help in the coming years, living far away just isn’t going to be ideal. I love to travel and see the world on vacations, but traveling all over the country for family gets exhausting quick.
Moving In Together
My in-laws are pretty open to the idea of my husband and I moving in with them in a few years or potentially even sooner, so my husband and I have started thinking about what that could be like and if it’s something we would want to do. Even moving from one end of a street to the other can be a stressful, time consuming process, so I imagine we will have our hands full if we go from living together as a couple to moving into a multigenerational household in an entirely different state.
But multigenerational homes are becoming more and more common now as families are on tighter budgets, the cost of education and healthcare keeps rising, and millions still struggle to find stable employment. Sure there are benefits and cost savings of having a multigenerational household, but being a very independent person and couple, I can’t help but worry if moving in together will put a major crimp in our freedom, privacy, and lifestyle.
Uncharted Territory
Would the impact be drastic enough to drive us all nuts? I already know that my patience starts to wear thin after about 7-10 days of being under the same roof with my either of my own parents. Whether that’s any indication if it will be similar or totally different with my in-laws is uncharted territory. They’re very different from my own parents at least, which is probably a good thing. :)
Here are some pros and cons that I expect occur frequently in multigenerational households:
Pros
Cost savings
More support
Build stronger relationships
Saves time
In home day care
Cons
Less privacy
More pressure on the income earners
Personality conflicts
Clashes with habits and behaviors
Reduced alone time
Feeling like a permanent guest/host
Right now I have a lot more questions than answers, but I do know if we decide to give it a go as a multigenerational household, there will be lots of things to talk about, work through, and get acclimated to. Here are some questions I’ve put together that I’m certainly wondering about. I hope you’ll find them helpful if you are considering becoming or moving into a multigenerational household too.
Things To Think About And Discuss
Will this be a short term, long term, or permanent move?
Is the house big enough for all of us?
Will there be rules, roles, boundaries? How will they be decided and moderated?
Will we hold family meetings? How often?
Who sleeps where? Who uses which bathroom?
Are any rooms off limits to certain people?
What items will/will not be shared?
How will we avoid resentment and resolve conflicts?
How do we make sure everyone gets enough alone time?
How much will this cost? Who decides the budget?
How will expenses be handled? Who pays for what?
How will siblings and family members living elsewhere contribute?
Do we need to have fewer/more cars?
How will day care responsibilities be handled, shared?
How will chores be divided? Who is responsible for what?
Who does the cooking? Grocery shopping? Errands?
Is everything in the fridge up for grabs?
Will meals be eaten separately, together, or both? When?
Will vacations be taken as a group, separately, both?
What guidelines should there be for inviting guests?
How will we prepare emotionally, financially, logistically?
How will we manage each other’s expectations?
Treasure, Torture, And A Bit Of Both
I have several friends who are living in multigenerational households already, and they each have their own highs and lows. One simply adores his mother in-law and loves having her live with him and his wife, another tries to hide her unhappiness living with her in-laws by limiting the amount of time she spends at home, and a third enjoys the time he gets to share with his father and his own kids but feels constant pressure being the only income earner in a home of six.
Every family situation is different and some people are a lot easier to live with than others! Definitely get prepared and think things through before making this big of a decision. Tension can build up quickly if you don’t communicate openly. Remember it’s not just you who will be affected; everyone in the household will be too!
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences! Do you think a multigenerational household is in your future? What are your biggest fears, concerns, comforts, and reassurances?
Thanks!
Sydney
No plans but you never really know where life will take you. Coming from a Polish background, this was the standard way of life all the way up to my grandparents generation.
There are many cultures that don’t even bat an eye when it comes to having more than one generation together in one house. My dad lived with my grandma part time for many years but it was just the two of them in a four bedroom house half the year so it wasn’t too hard for them.
MB touched on it will, this was the standard and still is for the most part in most of Eastern Europe. Personally my privacy is invaluable, so seeing my self live with in-laws is just not for me. Just my two cents.
There are lots of Asian countries that have this tradition as well and I can see how it makes a lot of sense. It’s just different to feel completely comfortable about it when it’s our own lives that would be impacted and isn’t something we planned on. And I hear ya on the privacy aspect. That’s one of my biggest worries since I’m a very private person myself.
Don’t have any plans for this (my family is small so it wouldn’t even be possible). I don’t think it’d be bad though if I had the option.
That is one benefit of having a small family! But on the other hand if one has a lot of siblings then there are more hands to help out and contribute.
First of all, I think you’re a saint to be thinking about caring for your in-laws in the coming years. I can’t say I’d do the same. I think multi-generational families are a good idea for some families, but it really depends on the personalities of each member. Also, some cultures are much more accustomed to this living situation, so it’s not as difficult to accept parents or grandparents into your home.
My family is very diverse and this isn’t what my parents did when my grandparents got older, so I don’t see myself asking parents or in-laws to come live with us. I don’t think either set of my parents or in-laws (yes, due to divorces, I have 4 sets of parents and in-laws – fun!) would ask to move in with us either. But only time will tell.
Aw thanks. :) I hear ya on the personalities part. For things to work everyone has to be flexible and respectful of each other’s needs and space.
That is a lot of parents! If they are independent that’s great. Right now my own parents are both happy living on their own and are independent. I know it will be hard if/when the time comes that they can’t take care of themselves anymore.
I have many close relatives in Croatia, and multigenerational homes there are the norm. Actually, the children usually build on to the family home, getting their own wing that is as large and nice as a single family home.
I can understand the pressures and am not sure if it is right for me. If it happens, I have a feeling it will be in lieu of a nursing home, or something like that.
Oh wow that’s a neat way to do it. Having a large wing that’s made for one family is a great way to keep everyone together yet separated somewhat.
Yeah I hope neither my parents or in laws get so ill that they’d be at the nursing home stage. One of my biggest fears is someone getting dementia or Alzheimer’s. I can’t imagine how hard that would be for everyone involved.
My Mom lived with us when my wife was pregnant with our first child. It lasted roughly 9-10 months, my bood pressure went up and it was tense. It doesn’t mean it cannot work, but it did not work for us. I would try it out before I make that kind of change.
Oh yikes. I think my blood pressure would sky rocket if I lived with my mom for that long. Nice job giving it a try though for as long as you did!
Having a trial run is a good idea. It’s a bit tricky for us though since it would be an out of state, long distance move. But there’s still the option we could get our own place in the same city if it simply didn’t work out.
Ahhh, great topic and excellent one to discuss!
Ideally, the house would be large (5 bedrooms or so), on two floors (parents can be on first floor to not have to walk up the stairs, and you guys on the 2nd floor), with a car per couple, share if not pay for the majority of all expenses (utilities, property tax, maintenance, cable, internet), and have some guidelines about each others times and preferences.
The lack of privacy is a big one, which could put a huge wedge in either relationship. It’s so important for the non blood related spouse to get along with the parents. That is a tougher sacrifice to make FOR SURE!
When it comes to saving money, multi-gen households cannot be beat. It’s cheaper living with one other person, but living with another two people will make expenses at least another 30% cheaper excluding food.
I’ve thought about it a lot, and I wouldn’t mind so long as my parents traveled every once in a while and we traveled for 3 months a year elsewhere.
My suggestion is to definitely try for a month or two first!!
That does sound like an ideal plan but sometimes it’s harder than it seems. My friend’s mom’s house was two stories and even though the mom would have been much better off living on one floor since she had trouble getting around, she simply didn’t want to live in a different room. She’d been in the same bedroom on the second floor for 40 some years and that’s the way she wanted things to stay.
Yeah it is definitely more of an adjustment for the spouse moving in with in-laws. I’m fortunate that mine are generally quite independent (at least right now) and are very generous people. It will be a lot different living in their house versus if they moved into our house but I think the latter scenario is much less likely.
NPR is running an 8 weeks series on this topic, it’s a great listen. Check it out if you have a chance. I want my parents to move in with us at some point. We live in a 2 bedroom condo so it will be hard. Fortunately, we also have 1 bedroom rental condo in the next building. They can move into that one when the lease is up.
Many families are doing this to deal with the poor finance and deteriorating health. I know Mrs. RB40 and my parents can’t live in the same dwelling even if it’s a big house so the 2 condoes route is the way to go for us for the long term.
But does your wife want your parents to move in with you…..
Taking your 1 bedroom rental will be great. Separate space, but close by. But what about the lost income? No problemo in your impending retirement?
No the Mrs. does not want the parents to move in. The 1 bed room rental is not making much money and once they move in, my brothers will subsidize the mortgage, HOA, and property tax.
I actually read some of their articles while I was writing this post. I didn’t check out the actual episodes though, so I’ll put that on my list to do later this week. That’s great you want your parents to live with you in the future and I think that 1 bedroom rental in the next building is a genius plan. That’s really great that your brothers will help with the cost too.
Growing up, my grandmother always lived with my mom and me. She is my mom’s mom, so it wasn’t a huge deal. They got into fights that were normal about daily things like cleaning… they have their different ways of cooking too. Now that I live with my future in-laws, it’s very different and I am always cautious of what I’m saying or doing. It definitely makes it feel like I am not “at home.” It’s not ideal for me and it’s not permanent so that’s how I get through it each day. Saving money on rent right now is more beneficial, especially since the future in-laws are really nice and generous.
I do worry about feeling cautious of what I’d be doing and saying, exactly like what you’re experiencing now. And I wouldn’t want my mother in-law to feel like she always has to act like a host with me around either. That would be totally exhausting for her and neither of us would be able to really relax which wouldn’t be good. My father in-law is very laid back so I think he would probably have the easiest time out of all of us. I’m glad you’re able to save a lot of money now and your in-laws are good people.
Families used to always live in multi generational homes and then as our society became teh way it is, we’re more ‘independent’ of that; so it’s interesting that money is making people be forced to go back to multigenerational!
Yeah it is a bit of a circle. I’m curious if housing design will change too. Since most houses are built as single family homes it can make things a bit cramped when they become double or triple family homes!
We had my in-laws move in for about two months when my father-in-law got cancer and they wanted a place to stay that was close to the hospital. Surprisingly, it wasn’t too bad. Even though they were the elders, we had some ground rules and that kept things pretty cordial. We did our thing and they did theirs. And every so often, we’d do something as a whole. I think it mostly depends on what your relationship with your in-laws is like right now that will determine if this is going to be a good fit (money pros aside).
That was very sweet of you to let them live with you and I’m sure it helped them a lot given the circumstances. I’m glad things worked out for all of you. I think having some rules and guidelines are the best way to start things off even if it’s difficult to talk through. I just hope I have the courage to bring up all the things that are on my mind if the time comes.
Hi Sydney, In today’s economy, your questions echo the concerns of many. Our daughter just graduated college and is back living with us. All of her 20-something friends live with their parents. My spouses parents shared a 2 family dwelling with his grandparents. My advice is this, there is never a perfect time to have a baby! Once you have one, you will make it work!
Few living situations are irrevocable. Try living with your inlaws and if it doesn’t work out, move. The cost savings can be substantial. I don’t believe one can “do it all.” Prioritize what’s most important to you, and cut back on the rest. Good luck.
That must be quite an adjustment for all of you to have your daughter living at home again now that she’s an adult. It must be so frustrating and emotional not being able to find work after graduation and so many grads are in the same boat. it’s good you are able to support her right now.
Thanks for the advice on having a baby. I know it will be a total life chaining experience if it does happen. Even though I know there’s no way to be 100% prepared either, I will do everything I can to be as prepared emotionally, physically, and mentally as possible. And hopefully find ways to laugh at the unexpected.
My parents live with my mom’s parents and it is something that should be avoided if possible I think. Yes it is nice to see them more often, but it leads to a bunch of drama and hurt feelings at times it seems. The older generation expects that the younger generation owes it to them and I don’t agree with that so I hope I never have to run into this situation.
That must be really tough if the parents have that attitude that it’s owed to them. I would have difficulty handling that myself. I can’t deal with drama and tension. it causes too much stress and emotional roller coasters.
What a questions! We never had any parents to live with us; for that matter, my oarent had my grandmother only briefly when she was really poorly. But we are experiencing this from the other side – our frown up son is still at home and another one is coming back. I love them dearly but it is hard – because we are at different stages in our lives and value different things. I want piecefull nights and my sons like listening to heavy metal (so do I, just not when I am trying to sleep so I can function the next day). They want to invite friends and girlfriends around but it doesn’t feel right to them. And what shall I do if I have another woman in the kitchen? Well, I may leave her to it but still…:).
There is another matter when your parents get really elderly – they feel (and in many cases are) left out. Because they no longer fit!
Probably best, is to have a ‘granny flat’ or accomodation very near – so you can keep an eye on each other (parends are great baby sitters, you know) but don’t live in the same space.
That must be a struggle having your son living with you again now that you are on different planes. Hopefully he appreciates that you are letting him stay with you and contributes in some ways. I hope things get better for you soon.
I heard a story about this kind of thing on the news, but it was two granddaughters that asked Grandma to move in. She spends two weeks at one girl’s house, then two weeks at the other’s. It was such a touching story and it left me crying in my car. Good for you for even talking about this with your family.
Oh wow, that’s nice of them to both offer to care for her. That must be a bit hard for the grandma to have to switch back and forth between the two houses, but that’s a good way for the granddaughters to share the responsibilities and for the grandma to have support.
I think it is a great idea in theory. I mean why do two people need a 3 bedroom, 2000sf house all to themselves. A friend shared with me recently how his wife was 1 of 9 kids and grew up in a 1 bedroom house. Now that is one way to save a lot of money :)
Oh wow!! I can’t imagine having that many siblings, let along being in a 1 bedroom house together. That is impressive. The parents must have a lot of patience and discipline to have made that work!
I lived with my future in laws for a few months while my boyfriend and I saved up money to afford our own rental place. It wasn’t that bad as we all sat down before hand and discussed what we were looking to get out of it. They discounted our rent/utilties/groceries and we saved a lot of money by doing this. It wasn’t that weird as we tried to be adult and treat it like a roomate situation. I think it helped to have the talk about chores, money and all that good stuff before we had even made the decision to move out there.
That is really good that you talked openly about all those items in the beginning. I’m glad things worked out well for you during that time and that you were able to save money while still helping to pay for the shared expenses. I’ve found that open communication is generally the best way to go with anything in life.
Wow, I really like the strategy in this last comment by bogofdebt.I know that your situation is a little different Untemplater and the questions you posed in your posts are very real but starting to flush them out in large conversations might help. It looks like this ins’t something in the immediate future and I know every family is different but – starting to bring those questions to light might help with managing expectations. For me personally I share a living space with my two brothers and it can get a little intense. Resentment is going to be one of the biggest hurdles because everyone’s values, lifestyles, and sense of responsibility might be different. Getting some foundations or ground rules going might help mitigate that stress.
In Colombia this is a standard way of living. You will only know if it works once you are there. I wish you luck because I don’t think I could do it but then again it all depends on the situation.
Yeah I’m sure there are lots of things one can’t anticipate until actually living in the same house together for an extended period. It’s definitely not for everyone.
First off this is my 100th comment :) Yeah I have more than half of my family in Italy still – really small town rural by Napoli – and that’s exactly still how they live. It can be as many as 5 different family units sharing the same block of housing. They just keep building and adding on. I also don’t think I could do it but I do see how having a support system like that could be a positive thing.
My wife and I moved in with her mom when she needed it, and it worked out great for everyone. It helped us save a bunch of money, and we helped take care of her. It worked well because the house was large enough to accommodate everyone comfortably.
Nice! It’s good to hear positive experiences and I’m sure having a large enough house was a big help. Being able to help someone when they need it must feel really good.
Eeek, definitely not! I left home at 17 and never plan to go back. (Very un-Asian of me, but that’s how it is.)
And while I have no problem with T’s family, I definitely wouldn’t want to live with them, either. His mother is struggling a little at the moment and he suggested we move in there (in FRONT of her no less, thanks T).
Given that we’re still in a lease and their current house is not in a location or condition that I would live in, even if I was keen on the idea of living with her and his nieces and helping them out, it’s just not going to happen. It would be awfully detrimental to our relationship, I think, and not necessarily a clear financial advantage to us either – if we moved in there, I’d need to get my own car (I walk to work now).
That must have been awkward when he suggested that and put you on the spot like that! Living situations can really strain or strengthen relationships and knowing what our limits are can make all the difference.
What a great article! You are right about every family is different. Have you thought about discussing your concerns and all the pros and cons with your in-laws? My opinion is, if they don’t want to talk about it, don’t move in with them!
Thanks! We’re not at the stage to move in right now but we’ll definitely have more discussions if moving in becomes more and more possible. Definitely lots to think about and work out logistically.
When we moved to Phoenix we moved in with my in-laws since we still had a home in Austin that was on the market. To make a long story short it did not work for us. My in-laws were set in their ways and found the change difficult so we felt it best that we find an apartment. To be fair, there were three of us plus a dog so that is a big adjustment for anyone.
At least you gave it a shot! And that’s good that you were able to move out before things got really bad. It seems like it doesn’t work for a lot of families, especially when we’re already so used to living separately.
We see many families having to make the decision to move in together, mostly for economic reasons and aging family members. Some have worked and some have not for many of the reasons stated. It does take a lot of boundary setting, re-establishing roles and allowing (and developing) people in the household to do whatever it is they are best at. Sometimes, that may take a little time to find but if everyone is patient, the adjustments (sacrifices) everyone makes will pay off.
I think you nailed it on the head that sometimes the adjustments are actually sacrifices and I think that’s why a lot of people end up unhappy when too many things change from what they’re used to.
I anticipate this at some point in my life. My mother-in-law always jokes with us about building a guest house in our backyard area for her. I could live with that. Sharing the same kitchen, bathrooms and main house, though, would be difficult. I do believe younger generations should help older generations if needed, but you definitely need to set boundaries and expectations. It’s like any living situation; if no one knows what’s expected or what the rules are, they will break them. Take the ambiguity out of it and just write it down :)
Jokes usually have underlying truth in them! If your family can afford to build a guest house for her that could be a good option. She’ll be close enough for you to help care for her as she ages yet you have separate places to eat and relax. You could even set “vising hours!”
My mother will most likely end up moving in with me later on down the road. It definitely has to be something you and your spouse are in agreement with. If you don’t necessarily want to move in with them, you could consider moving nearby.
Yeah. I understand now why a lot of my friends who have kids of their own choose to live near their parents. They get the support of their parents close by but the benefits of independence and separation at the same time.
Having been a multigenerational family for years, I can tell you it’s tough but great rewards emotionally. I moved my grandmother in with me at 21 because she had Alzheimer and I wanted to squeeze every moment we could.
I just moved back into my other house because my mother became wheelchair bound. Even though I was only 5 minutes away (one hill over), it was still a chore to rush over and any emergency was difficult.
It may become a forced issue for many people going into the future as boomers retire and run out of money.
Oh wow that is amazing how much you’ve been helping out. That brings tears to my eyes. They must appreciate everything you do so much.
The idea of multigenerational households is normal in many countries, yet people might look at you sideways if you express an interest in doing this here. I think that it can totally work here and does for many people. I think it would be really important, with in-laws, to establish boundaries and be able to maintain your own family unit within a household of several family units. If boundaries are present, and you don’t feel like you’re losing individuality and autonomy, this could be a living arrangement that can offer great benefits for each generation under the same roof.
True. Even though it’s a growing trend it still isn’t that common overall here. I can’t imagine losing individuality. That would bum me out.
My mom’s always joking about moving into our inlaw suite when she retires… and it seriously scares me! I enjoy having privacy and my husband and I being able to make 100% of the decisions in our house. If my mom ever did move in, we’d definitely have to have rules set up. Like, I wouldn’t mind getting together for dinner each evening… but afterwards, I’d want to part ways – so that I can spend time with my husband and children. In private.
I can imagine she’d be tempted to move in if you have a suite like that. Having private time after dinner would be important especially if you’re working and only have a set number of hours during the week to spend with your kids.
I am the only son, so I consider it my duty to take care of my parents in their golden years. In fact, it’s normal tradition in India. I think it has more pros than cons. Biggest one is the family bondage. Another big one is that — with grandparents — children learn important life lessons early on like ethics, respect for elders, compassion for others etc. It’s also best option financially. But, above all, I consider it as my duty to repay back all the things my parents have done for me.
That’s admirable of you Shilpan. I have several Indian friends who are already living with their parents and one bought a house for his a few minutes away. You bring up a good point about children learning all those important values from grandparents. Both of my grandmothers were big influences on my life.
[…] Untemplater guest posts on Yakezie and talks about thinking ahead to possibly moving in with their parents and the possible struggles of having a multigenterational household. […]
Definitely not in my future. I’m moving out in the summer. I feel that I will gain a lot from the independence even though I’m renting and will cost me more. How conducive is a multi generational household for meeting a potential spouse? Not very!
There definitely is something so liberating about living on your own and yes, it’s much better for dating!
Definitely ask all those questions and more. Make sure everyone fully participates and knows that they won’t have grounds for complaints if they don’t hash it out with the whole group before starting. It would help if you could arrange the house so that some areas are private to only you and other areas only to them. If I were going to do this I would even go so far as to draw up a written contract!
I like the idea of having something like townhouses side by side, so each can have their privacy, yet help and company is just next door if needed.
[…] time with my spouse, doing as I see fit. Sydney wrote a very insightful post called, “Multigenerational Households: Treasure or Torture?” that goes through the pros and cons of living at home with the parents. For newly weds, I […]