Ever since the 7th grade I’ve had high expectations to be somebody because I didn’t want to be nobody. There was one family friend I grew up with who was in perennial trouble. He was three years older than me and someone I looked up to for advice. He was a brilliant guy who got straight A’s in every subject. When I discovered he got kicked out of school for smoking a little too much weed and dropping a tab too much acid, I began to reconsider my own mediocre ways To fail due to a lack of effort is foolish because hard work requires no skill. I’ve never been physically or mentally gifted, but I also knew that plenty of people before me with mediocre talents have gone on to lead comfortable lives. And so I tried and tried and tried to make the best use of what I had. The wins have outpaced the losses so far and here I am wondering what’s next.
IT’S ALL ABOUT EXPECTATIONS
There are concrete expectations and then there are nebulous expectations. Some have expectations to have a certain amount of money by age 40. I never had any specific monetary expectations surprisingly enough, but I did have an expectation of “being somebody” by the age of 30. For my guy friends and I, we either had to have “made it” by 30 or be on the right path to making it, whatever our definition of making it might be. In the course of trying to make it by 30, I probably sacrificed a little too much for 8 years after college. But now that I’m in my mid-30s, I look back upon my sacrifice and think it was well worth it. The question I now have is whether I will look back upon my 30s when I’m in my 40s and think the same thing? Only time will tell.
My problem ever since I was a kid was a recognition of when good enough is good enough. I often didn’t bother putting the extra effort to go from being in the top 80% to the top 100%. If the Pareto principle states that 80% of the result is due to 20% of your effort, why bother trying so much harder? My mother has told me time and time again that her only expectation is for me to be happy. Sounds simple enough. But what if I’m not happy? Will I have failed her expectations? I think what she really means is that all she can hope for is happiness for her children. Happiness is such a curious term since it’s so hard to define. Perhaps the best definition of happiness is to be able to smile when nobody is looking. I discovered bliss one day after realizing my jaw muscles were sore and my gums were frozen after smiling all the way down a 2,000 foot vertical drop up in Tahoe. Such simple things in life.
MAYBE WE SHOULDN’T EXPECT TOO MUCH OF OURSELVES
If you expect to be a seven figure blogger, a concert musician, or a world class athlete, chances are high you will fail. At some point reality kicks away our hopes and dreams and bring us back down to mother earth. Perhaps the key to ultimate happiness is to set our bar low enough so that we can always hop over when we want. Low expectations might not be very challenging, but at least we’ll be able to succeed more often. Desire is the cause of suffering. The sooner we recognize this the better. Readers, how much do you expect of yourself? If you have high expectations, are you meeting up to your expectations? Do you think folks with average to low expectations are much happier on average?
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I had a friend who got a 98 on a test. Right in front of me he started to hit him and screaming at him in Yugoslavia. I started to make my way out of there quickly because I was confused and not worthy of a family beating as I was not family. When I saw him the next day I asked him why he was getting hit by his dad he told me because he didn’t get 100 on the exam. Thank God he wasn’t my dad. I got an 86.
Any idea where your friend is now?
That’s insane. I heard rumors of a kid who was in my high school, that got beaten with a coat hanger for getting less than an A. I’ve heard the kid is now a doctor. Another kid supposedly shamed his family by finishing only 7th out of 300+ kids in terms of class rank. I guess his older sibling was a valedictorian. I think that guy ended up a dentist or pharmacist.
Doesn’t sound like these kids did too bad!
I wonder what their responses are now that they are successful adults.
There was that insightful oped in the WSJ from a girl who got rejected from various colleges. She wish she had a tiger mom she says.
I use to expect 100% from myself at everything I did when I was younger but it was very exhausting on my soul and mental health. I find that by focusing on one thing at a time is much more practical. All through out sports and the military people told me I was too hard on myself and it wasn’t until a good 2 years after my deployments that I let up.
What about now? How did you find the balance if you have?
After my deployments I realized there are much more important things in life. Mainly I don’t get riled up unless someones life is at risk.
“I often didn’t bother putting the extra effort to go from being in the top 80% to the top 100%” <——-This describes me perfectly as well. I guess you can call it laziness, but I like to say that it is a good cost/benefit analysis.
“I often didn’t bother putting the extra effort to go from being in the top 80% to the top 100%” The problem comes when you reach the next level and the effort that used to take you to the top 80% only takes you to the top 60%. I struggled for my first two years of college because getting A’s and B’s in high school and earlier came so easily for me that I had never learned how to study. But the amount of work it took to get a B in high school would only get a C or worse in college.
On the flip side, there is the issue of burnout. My high school valedictorian graduated with a GPA of 4.72, got a full ride to college, and dropped out to become a professional drag racer.
Hope he is a kickass race car driver! Those guys make bank!
She, actually. I haven’t really heard anything about her since then, so I don’t know if she made a name for herself in the racing circuit.
Interestingly enough, her older brother also dropped out of college, but he did so to found ragingbull.com
I always had high expectations, but not unreasonable ones. I always have goals and enjoy the feeling you get from accomplishing them. School was the just the ticket into the show. I was good, but not outstanding in school.
sometimes high personal expectations are seeds planted by parents. Some are lucky enough to have parents who will still support them if they fail, but others were not that fortunate. It’s really sad when kids get beaten simply because they did not measure up. It’s good to have great goals to reach, but we should also make it a point to be realistic. And to always have a fall back plan if things do not work out.
Strict parents tend to be viewed as a blessing by kids later on in their adult lives. I was fearful of my mother’s strictness but am very appreciative now as I probably would have gotten into big trouble later on.
Wow, I’m always fighting the “perfectionism” tendency. I try to work hard and appreciate my successes. I fight the propensity to look at the one individual deficiency and magnify it while ignoring my successes.
Are you OK with this tendency? I’ve never been able to be perfect in anything. The easiest was to try and get straight A’s and I didn’t make it. After that failure one year, I decided to pass on trying to be perfect in anything anymore.
There is a fine line regarding whether or not good is good enough. I mostly take it by a case-by-case basis. Going to work out at the gym, looking for gains? For me good is good enough. I’m trying to be fit and stronger but not at the expense of other daily tasks and pleasure. Doing my job at work? Good is not good enough! It should be expected everyone is doing good, but in order to survive at that position and give oneself even a glimmer of a promotion or new position, one has to do better than good. That’s how I do it. Nice look at expectations.
A job is definitely an interesting case. If they are properly incentivizing you then work as hard as you can. If you feel they are short changing you, it’s a different story. Work hard while you are young until you no longer have to work hard no more because you’ve become financially independent I say!
I was always striving to be the best, and I loved just seeing what I could do and how far I could go. I feel like we are each put on this earth with unique talents and its our mission in life to figure out how to be the best X we can be. If we don’t, we shortchange ourselves and the world. Every person has a potential superhero inside them, every one of us can save the world if we try.
AC, love your enthusiasm. Could you share with us your age? I had big dreams once. Then I got old :)
between 35-40. :)
That’s good you still have that drive. I’m in cool down mode now. Maybe the drive will return after this year.
It’s all good. I don’t think I have “high expectations” but high inspiration. If you expect yourself to meet a goal, then maybe its setting yourself up for failure. If you do what you do because you are motivated, e.g. you wake up with a burning question or insight– you don’t compare yourself to any standard. You just are. So don’t worry about being laid back in some areas, as long as you have some spark for *something* you’re doing great. We are all just doing what we can with what we have at each moment. Live every moment with integrity and so you don’t question what you could have done.
I’ve always had high expectations – for myself and others. Several years back this became a problem in two ways: how much can be completed to sucj high standards and how I publicised what I’ve done (not at all cause it wasn’t good enough). Now my strategy limiting perfectionism is to decidee carefully what needs 95% or 100% and what would be fine with 80%.
Oh, and at school (even to Masters level) I always had the highest mark with not much work – spoils you terribly this.
Yeah, maybe the key is to be 100% at only a few things you care about and that you really enjoy as well and forget the rest!
This is the third time this week I’ve read this post. Every time I walk away from it I feel a little different. I think I’ve finally settled on something for myself. Lofty aspirations can be a good thing, and so can a little suffering. In reading the comments I agree with people like AC in that I see myself on a bit of a “hero’s journey”. I know that I might not ever be, have, or look like some of the things I have floating around in my head but it’s the fight for them that keeps me moving forward. I think I can do that because (for good or for bad) I’m always positive/optimistic and (for good or for bad) I always give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s actually a detriment sometimes haha my brothers will be the first to tell you that sometimes I can be a little too forgiving. I hold myself to high expectations and hold others to them because I want to see people do/be the best they can. When you allocate and utilize resources/capital efficiently everyone wins!
Sorry for the lengthy/touchy feely. I had to get that out of my head :)
Not a problem Nunzio. Thanks for sharing. So what is this you’ve finally settled on something you mention?
I like your “happy medium” term. Never been an overachiever, but I don’t settle for average either. I realize I am much more forgiving to others than myself though.
I never had a specific monetary target by age but I’ve had salary goals throughout my career. I used to put a ton of pressure on myself when I was in school because I was scared to death about graduating without a job and not being able to support myself. I probably could use a bit more pressure on myself these days – I get tired a lot faster than 5-10 years ago and tend to use that as a mental excuse not to get as much done each day.
I am recently coming to the realization that life is about how hard you work. Before I used to have the attitude of C = degree, because that was all my parents expected of me, but after working a few crappy jobs, I am back in school and now getting straight As.
I set high expectations but intentionally work on my own happiness, so that external failures do not define my mood. If you can have high expectations AND be happy when you fail, you’ve really made it.