I know at one point or another I have wronged everything right in me.

So have you.

I believe in second chances. I believe in third, fourth, fifth chances because as the saying goes, “we are all human, we all make mistakes.”  Whether the mistake is something small such as stealing a pack of gum from a Wal-mart or something large such as ruining an important relationship, we all deserve an opportunity to make it better. When I think about receiving a second chance I think of the word redemption. The dictionary defines redemption as “an act of redeeming or the state of being rescued”. I believe that is perfect because when we are given second chances, we are essentially being rescued from the damage we have caused ourselves and others.

My second chance came in August 2010. It was the summer before my senior year in high school. When most teens were outside basking in the summer sunshine, I was lying on my bed with my head buried in a tear stained pillow. My mind was spinning so fast that every thought which came to me was blurred and quickly forgotten. I had never felt so lost, confused, and guilty in my life. I felt like the world was crumbling around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was pregnant.

“How could this happen to me,” of course that was the first question I asked myself. I was not what I considered “a bad girl”.  I thought only girls who were promiscuous, who did drugs and drank alcohol got pregnant. Not me, not the ambitious girl with the 3.4 GPA and high hopes and dreams. The silly girl who writes poetry and helps in children’s church. I could never be pregnant. I couldn’t bear the disappointment I knew my parents and grandparents would feel.

At that point in my life, I felt like all hope was lost. Reality had set in and even though my mother told me “It’s not the end of the world”, I just knew all my hopes and dreams were gone. I wouldn’t graduate, I wouldn’t go to college, I wouldn’t become an English teacher, I wouldn’t be able to pursue any of my dreams. The list of all the things I would never be able to do flooded my thought process, I would be left behind, just another statistic.

When my mind was clear enough I went through the options I knew I had. The first one was keeping the child. My child. I knew if I kept him/her I would be faced with many obstacles. My next option was adoption. I am an adopted child myself so I know the feeling of wondering why your mother didn’t want you. I wasn’t willing to put my child through that. I also know that I am a compassionate person, so after carrying a child for nine months there would be no way I could part with it when the time came. Finally the last option was abortion. The option I avoided thinking about until I had to face it. I didn’t believe in abortions but I knew it had to be done. I felt selfish for wanting to achieve my dreams at the expense of my child’s life. Yet I knew I would not be able to provide a stable environment for a baby.

After battling with myself for a couple of days I made the decision final, I would get an abortion. My mother informed me of the emotions I was going to feel.  She told me that I would need to forgive myself over time in order to move forward. So on August 4, 2010 I took the pills that would give me my second chance. A second I wasn’t sure was worth the 8 week and 5 day old life inside of me. That night I curled up under my sheets and wrote my baby a short letter.

Dear Sweet Baby,

I hope you forgive me one day for doing this. I want you to know your life is precious. I want you to know that I love you and your father loves you to. He doesn’t approve of this but he’s been here along this crazy trip we’re taking.  You’re life is precious to me even though it may not seem like it. I’m giving you up because I know I can’t be the mother I want to be and the mother you deserve. I know you didn’t ask to be made. I feel like I wrapped my virginity in a blanket and placed it on God’s doorstep. I hope I meet you someday my sweet baby.  “Maybe we can meet face to face, in a place without time or space.”

Love always,

Mommy

Ps. it just wasn’t meant to be

I read a saying a few days ago that said “getting an abortion doesn’t make you unpregnant; it makes you the mother of a dead baby.” My heart swelled at those words because it’s been a long road recovering emotionally from the experience. I’ve learned to forgive and love myself in order to keep pushing forward. I will achieve everything I set out to do and more. All my hopes and dreams are once again a reality. So I have my own saying, “We all write our destiny and sometimes it is up to us to give ourselves a second chance.”

I know, at one point or another I have wronged everything right in me.

So have you.

It’s when we give ourselves second chances, that only then we can make it right again.