The Facebook effect is palatable here in the San Francisco Bay Area. Just the other night, my no-limit poker buddy who works as a product manager at Facebook said, “Sam, let’s raise the blinds from $1/$2 to $10/$20!”
“Umm, no Egor, you might wipe out my lunch money for a year with those type of stakes!” I replied.
Facebook is by far the biggest internet IPO of the century. With the bankers looking to raise some $5 billion in new capital, valuing the company somewhere around $80-100 billion dollars, there is going to be a ton of wealth creation! By many estimates, there will be over 1,000 newly minted multi-millionaires and a few billionaires as well.
Mark Zuckerberg, himself will be worth some $20-$30 billion, depending on valuations. Unfortunately, not all of us work at Facebook, and not all of us managed to get into Facebook 5+ years ago, even if we did have the foresight. As a result, we’re left to ogle at the riches and lament at yet another missed opportunity.
Don’t feel bad! I’m here to tell you how you too can profit from Facebook and live happily ever after.
PROFITING FROM FACEBOOK THE ALTERNATIVE WAY
* Buy a ticket and move to the San Francisco Bay Area. What took 3 months to cross the country by horse a couple centuries ago now takes 6 hours by plane. You need to be in the SF Bay Area to really maximize your wealth creation opportunity. San Francisco is the best place for entrepreneurs to live right now!
* After your arrival, move to either Menlo Park (45 minutes south of San Francisco), or move to beautiful San Francisco and rent an apartment along the Facebook/Google bus lines. The whole idea of moving here is to increase your chances of bumping into them in the bars, at restaurants, or simply on the street.
* Identify those who are at least 26 years or older, or who joined in 2008 or earlier. Understand that “only” 1,000 of the 3,000+ Facebook employees are going to be millionaires+. The other 2,000+ employees are either too young, or joined only in the past couple of years. They’ll all be hundred-thousandaires of course, and probably millionaires eventually if they stick with the company, but you’re going after the big fish. A simple way to ascertain this info is to simply ask, “When did you join, stud?” or “When did you graduate, sexy?“.
* Millionaires need love too. It doesn’t matter how rich you are, if you have nobody to share your spoils with, you might as well be middle class or poor. As a result, know that these Facebook employees are ready, willing, and able to meet your hot self at a bar, party, or any social setting. The key is to know one Facebook employee. Once you know one, you will get to know dozens more, improving your chances of dating, and potentially marrying that lucky person. Infiltrate like Seal Team 6!
SCENARIO ANALYSIS: There’s really nothing wrong with gold-digging, because if you plan to be with someone, they might as well be rich right?! I mean come on. There are two equally hot and friendly girls who looks like Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba #1 works at the Gap store making $28,000 a year as the store manager. Not bad. Jessica Alba #2 is a developer at Facebook who joined right out of Berkeley in 2005 and is now worth $20 million. Who you going to choose?
DERIVATIVE CAREERS TO BENEFIT FROM FACEBOOK RICHES
OK, so for whatever reason, you are still against gold-digging, even though marrying a wealthy spouse will set you up for life. There are attractive rich people you know! Maybe you’re a romantic, or a fool, or both? Here are some other ways to profit from the Facebook IPO that you may consider.
* Apply to work at the BMW, Ferrari, or Lamborghini dealer. Commissions for these overpriced, flashy cars range from $3,000-$15,000 a pop! Sell just 20 Ferrari California’s to Facebook friends and you’ll probably rake in well over $250,000 in commissions! You’ll still probably make well over $100,000 at the BMW dealer, but you’ll probably have to sell 30-40 cars to get to that level. Why work so much?
* Apply to work at Christie’s Great Estates or Sotheby’s Real Estate company. As we all learned from the last dotcom bubble, it’s good to diversify your paper stocks into hard assets. Anybody who sold all their dotcom stock in 2000, and bought real estate in San Francisco are laughing all the way to the bank every day! I doubt any of these 1,000+ millionaires will settle for renting a place after their stock vests. Wealthy people don’t rent, remember this. They’ll want to take some profits, and diversify into real estate, gold, and so forth.
* Apply to work at Shrieve & Co or Tiffany’s. Another no-brainer industry which will garner a tremendous amount of business. The first thing many newly rich men want is a new watch. Perhaps a Panerai Submersible for $8,000 will fit well for the water sport lover. Maybe an IWC Big Pilot for $9,000 is perfect for the aviator. Or how about a $15,000 Rolex Stainless Steel Daytona for the speed racer? If you’re really a big baller, you can get a nice Patek Philippe White Gold Nautilus for $45,000! All these watches are perfect for your everyday 28 year old millionaire. For women, the jewelery list is endless! Perhaps a nice 30 carat diamond necklace, with matching 2 carat diamond earrings in flawless condition for $100,000? Sure, why not! Jewelery sales people can easily make four figures from items worth over $10,000. The margins are huge!
* Consider a career in wealth management. It’s obvious that if you go from having no money to having $20 million in the bank, you’ll want to give your money to an expert to make sure it lasts a lifetime. The problem with this strategy is that it’s very hard to get into the wealth management / private client industry. You need to go to a top undergrad, and then a top 10 MBA program to join one of the big private client banks. This route is way too hard, so maybe you should forget about it and just work at Tiffany’s!
THE FINAL SOLUTION
Even after laying out an easy to follow agenda and offering up several job opportunities to benefit from the Facebook IPO, maybe you’re still too lazy to try. You don’t want to be with rich, hot women for some reason and you don’t want to work at the Ferrari dealer, inhaling sumptuous Italian leather everyday. OK, I can kind of buy that. If you don’t want to listen to any of my advice, then below is my final tip for you.
Buy a real big net, with extra long pole. When Facebook finally goes public, the skies will be raining cash! You want to have the biggest net possible, hopefully with suction action to inhale all the wealth. And if you don’t have your big ass net, and don’t want to come to the SF Bay Area, well then, you can always read about what all these folks are doing over Twitter and sigh.
Congrats Facebook friends! And Egor, I’m gonna chip away at your millions, one bad-beat at a time!
Readers, do you know anybody who works at Facebook? Have you ever had a chance to work there but, goodness forbid, you declined? What type of wealth affect does Facebook have on the industry, the Bay Area, and the Economy?
Are you a buyer of Facebook stock? Why aren’t you out in the Bay Area if you love the internet, social media, and want to get rich? It’s 65-70 degrees and sunny every day in winter!
Photo: Facebook Wealth Catcher. Only crab today, no hundred dollar bills. Fisherman’s Wharf pier. SD
PS: We’ve launched the new Yakezie Network Facebook Page http://www.facebook.com/YakezieNetwork, so please check it out and add your like! You can also subscribe to the Yakezie RSS feed and @Yakezie on Twitter.
Regards,
Sam
I profit from Facebook all the time. People see my photos and contact me from FB. Also one of my videos went viral from FB bringing in more money. I love FB.
That’s a great way to look at FB Jai. Gotta leverage the FB more for Yakezie.
I love your humor Sam, it’s kinda sick like mine…Do you need a gynecologist in your area? What about their own personal gynecologist at the Facebook campus, I can be bought for a few stock options!
I donno Doc……….. I’m scared.
Nice post Sam – while on SF, SD has it pretty good too!
Oh yeah? What you guys got in SD besides the Qualcomm folks? La Jolla is pretty big balling though.
Great tutorial on gold digging! Now I have a post I can reference when trying to convince my friends that it’s ok to marry for income potential! lol
It’s a no brainer. Why choose poverty when you can choose mega millions?
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My wife probably wouldn’t go for for this. Blast! My plans for being a gold digger are ruined!
Lambo car salesman then?
Great points sam – money will soon be falling from the sky as these people look to cash in on all those 18 hour days they have been putting in since 2005. Even guys can gold dig too, which is nice. I dont think my fiancee would go for it though.
You never know, until you ask her!
I can’t say I agree with the whole gold-digging, but I like the way you look at alternative ways to make money off of it in different industries that will benefit.
It’s like if a particular company is strong, look to the company’s suppliers for stock ideas.
That is exactly the line of thinking I am going for, and what we should all look for. Derivative plays and riding rocket ships!
that proves it. there’s just no easy way to become super rich over night…maybe except for just plain dumb luck. back to the grind now.
What do you mean? You don’t think none of the ideas in my post are relatively easy? They are imo!
Do I really want to move the one of the most expensive areas of the country with only the chance of something happening? Is it more likely to happen there vs. somewhere else? Seems like a good place to do a little real estate speculation! Hmmmm! No thanks, I stick with my plan, itis much more assured. Besides the girls working for Facebook wouldn’t want an old fart like me. Sounds like a lose/lose situation. No regrets!
Well not you, now. But I would recommend any 35 year old or younger to move out here TOMORROW! Gotta be in it, to win it.
hilarious post – I wish it were that easy to make money off of the rich people. On a side note, moving to San Fran has been one of the places that my wife and I always talk about, primarily for the weather and culture. We’re only hesitant because when we are ready to leave the greater NYC area, we would hate to move to a place that is just as expensive.
It IS that easy! Trust me on this one. The super rich are just like you and me!
SF is about 20% CHEAPER than Manhattan. So perhaps it’s the same as the greater NYC area. That said, the lifestyle is way better. I lived in Manhattan as well. Loved it, but too expensive.
The only problem is that those FB and Google people are not interested in marrying anyone and sharing their money. I don’t think we would want a prenup. :)
Money is blind Aloysa. If you are hot enough, you will get the FB and Google multi-millionaire to marry you without the pre-nup!
I always wanted to sell cars. THIS IS MY CHANCE.
It is indeed. $200,000 can be YOURS in just 12 month if you buy that ticket!
Sam, would you advocate buying fb shares? Personally I wouldn’t, I believe that the evaluation is way too high. What do you think?
I’ve had several conversations around buying FB stock. I’m considering buying for the same reason people purchased stock in the Green Bay Packers. Even if it’s not an investment that yields returns in the traditional way, it’s going to make you look really cool. You can then take the satisfaction of “owning facebook” and boast about it at bars to pick up chicks. For this reason, I’m absolutely buying FB.
In all seriousness, I’m torn. The whole idea of an IPO is to raise as much as you can get. Doesn’t sit well with me. On the contrary, FB is so entrenched in a lot of lives. I don’t see it disappearing anytime soon. Lots of opportunities to make money.
Good luck! I hope the momentum continues to rocket to the moon!
I have no idea where valuations will come on pricing, so can’t give any advice.
I do remember when Google went public and everybody though their P/S, P/E were ridiculous.. and it has since been a 6 bagger..
Love this post. Getting a quickie divorce, moving to SF and somehow hooking a 20-something millionaire is the only way I can see myself profiting!
Since Facebook users are the “product” that Facebook is selling, when I buy some shares, that means I’ll own a part of 845 million people. That makes me feel very powerful. J/K. But seriously, I will own you all :)
Sam,
You know how to write engaging, humourous posts. One last option to add is to become a limo driver for those newly minted millionaires at Facebook. I am going to be an investor. But, only after initial euphoria dies.
Shilpan
Do limo drivers make enough tips? I donno man, I would rather sell Lamborghinis!
Sam,
I love the humour! Add to that list, working in a high-end audio store. All those millionaires will need $50,000 speakers to go with their 80″ LCD TVs.
Kanwal
Yeah, those 80″ LED TVs would be sweet, if they made such a thing!
I would totally get a sweet home theatre system. $6,000 spent is good… I can’t imagine $60,000!
Haha! You’re right, selling several high end cars = piece of cake :)
I’m in for Sotheby’s Real Estate as Chief advisor! Haha!
Interesting ideas. I can’t say I have any experience in the matter since I haven’t tried… but wouldn’t this be kind of akin to the thousands of wannabe actors that are waiting tables in Hollywood or people that flocked to other “hot” areas in the past? Aren’t there a ton of other people already trying the same thing and vying for the same jobs? Curious what you’re seeing when you’re out and about
Don’t think so. People think, but they don’t do. It’s the doers who have all the opportunities!
How about opening up a Travel Agency and book those expensive vacations that these millionaires will be taking soon :)
Not big ticket enough!
Here’s some cynicism for you, how about head out there as a divorce lawyer? How long will these gold-digging marriages last? That’s a lot of money floating around to be split between spouses.
Wow, that is quite cynical! Probably 30-50% will get divorced, as that’s the median anyway.
[…] humorous, but possibly true, post on how to get rich off the upcoming Facebook IPO, find it on the Yakezie homepage. Sadly, I am not a candidate for making any money off the […]
I would prefer the easy route. Begging at the gates of FB and Google. Sure they won’t have the change.
I’m surprised I don’t know anyone who works for FB since I live in the Bay Area, but I probably will meet someone eventually. It will be entertaining to watch how the stock does and see the ripple effect of all the new millionaires in the area here. And the new Yakezie Facebook page is live, so everyone please check it out and add your likes, http://www.facebook.com/YakezieNetwork
Thanks for setting it up Sydney! You rock! I am a FB newb.
$10/$20 blinds? :S IT does sound like an exciting place. I bet the sharks are lining up already.
You forgot, hope you’re family lives around there and that you’re in the will. Just kidding! Love you family!
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Pretty funny Sam. Gold digging is a perfectly and time honored way to make money. It’s not that easy you know. The Facebook prospect would be much more attractive than the normal 80-90 yrs old catch.
HA, I love this. What about setting up some sort of high-end exclusive club? Or better yet, a dating service?
Ha, funny. :-) I actually never thought about the facebook employees before. Guess they will be doing pretty nicely, huh?
Very entertaining! Hopefully the facebook employees will read our blogs on personal finance so they will know what to do with their money.
I thought this was really interesting to try to benefit as a result of the new riche. You had some solid suggestions but there might even be more if you could find services or products that people would need. Chasing for seed funding might not be a win but like you said being in places where those people are going to eventually find themselves does sound kind of awesome. You just need to take enough with you to be able to establish yourself out there.