The Facebook effect is palatable here in the San Francisco Bay Area. Just the other night, my no-limit poker buddy who works as a product manager at Facebook said, “Sam, let’s raise the blinds from $1/$2 to $10/$20!”
“Umm, no Egor, you might wipe out my lunch money for a year with those type of stakes!” I replied.
Facebook is by far the biggest internet IPO of the century. With the bankers looking to raise some $5 billion in new capital, valuing the company somewhere around $80-100 billion dollars, there is going to be a ton of wealth creation! By many estimates, there will be over 1,000 newly minted multi-millionaires and a few billionaires as well.
Mark Zuckerberg, himself will be worth some $20-$30 billion, depending on valuations. Unfortunately, not all of us work at Facebook, and not all of us managed to get into Facebook 5+ years ago, even if we did have the foresight. As a result, we’re left to ogle at the riches and lament at yet another missed opportunity.
Don’t feel bad! I’m here to tell you how you too can profit from Facebook and live happily ever after.
PROFITING FROM FACEBOOK THE ALTERNATIVE WAY
* Buy a ticket and move to the San Francisco Bay Area. What took 3 months to cross the country by horse a couple centuries ago now takes 6 hours by plane. You need to be in the SF Bay Area to really maximize your wealth creation opportunity. San Francisco is the best place for entrepreneurs to live right now!
* After your arrival, move to either Menlo Park (45 minutes south of San Francisco), or move to beautiful San Francisco and rent an apartment along the Facebook/Google bus lines. The whole idea of moving here is to increase your chances of bumping into them in the bars, at restaurants, or simply on the street.
* Identify those who are at least 26 years or older, or who joined in 2008 or earlier. Understand that “only” 1,000 of the 3,000+ Facebook employees are going to be millionaires+. The other 2,000+ employees are either too young, or joined only in the past couple of years. They’ll all be hundred-thousandaires of course, and probably millionaires eventually if they stick with the company, but you’re going after the big fish. A simple way to ascertain this info is to simply ask, “When did you join, stud?” or “When did you graduate, sexy?“.
* Millionaires need love too. It doesn’t matter how rich you are, if you have nobody to share your spoils with, you might as well be middle class or poor. As a result, know that these Facebook employees are ready, willing, and able to meet your hot self at a bar, party, or any social setting. The key is to know one Facebook employee. Once you know one, you will get to know dozens more, improving your chances of dating, and potentially marrying that lucky person. Infiltrate like Seal Team 6!
SCENARIO ANALYSIS: There’s really nothing wrong with gold-digging, because if you plan to be with someone, they might as well be rich right?! I mean come on. There are two equally hot and friendly girls who looks like Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba #1 works at the Gap store making $28,000 a year as the store manager. Not bad. Jessica Alba #2 is a developer at Facebook who joined right out of Berkeley in 2005 and is now worth $20 million. Who you going to choose?
DERIVATIVE CAREERS TO BENEFIT FROM FACEBOOK RICHES
OK, so for whatever reason, you are still against gold-digging, even though marrying a wealthy spouse will set you up for life. There are attractive rich people you know! Maybe you’re a romantic, or a fool, or both? Here are some other ways to profit from the Facebook IPO that you may consider.
* Apply to work at the BMW, Ferrari, or Lamborghini dealer. Commissions for these overpriced, flashy cars range from $3,000-$15,000 a pop! Sell just 20 Ferrari California’s to Facebook friends and you’ll probably rake in well over $250,000 in commissions! You’ll still probably make well over $100,000 at the BMW dealer, but you’ll probably have to sell 30-40 cars to get to that level. Why work so much?
* Apply to work at Christie’s Great Estates or Sotheby’s Real Estate company. As we all learned from the last dotcom bubble, it’s good to diversify your paper stocks into hard assets. Anybody who sold all their dotcom stock in 2000, and bought real estate in San Francisco are laughing all the way to the bank every day! I doubt any of these 1,000+ millionaires will settle for renting a place after their stock vests. Wealthy people don’t rent, remember this. They’ll want to take some profits, and diversify into real estate, gold, and so forth.
* Apply to work at Shrieve & Co or Tiffany’s. Another no-brainer industry which will garner a tremendous amount of business. The first thing many newly rich men want is a new watch. Perhaps a Panerai Submersible for $8,000 will fit well for the water sport lover. Maybe an IWC Big Pilot for $9,000 is perfect for the aviator. Or how about a $15,000 Rolex Stainless Steel Daytona for the speed racer? If you’re really a big baller, you can get a nice Patek Philippe White Gold Nautilus for $45,000! All these watches are perfect for your everyday 28 year old millionaire. For women, the jewelery list is endless! Perhaps a nice 30 carat diamond necklace, with matching 2 carat diamond earrings in flawless condition for $100,000? Sure, why not! Jewelery sales people can easily make four figures from items worth over $10,000. The margins are huge!
* Consider a career in wealth management. It’s obvious that if you go from having no money to having $20 million in the bank, you’ll want to give your money to an expert to make sure it lasts a lifetime. The problem with this strategy is that it’s very hard to get into the wealth management / private client industry. You need to go to a top undergrad, and then a top 10 MBA program to join one of the big private client banks. This route is way too hard, so maybe you should forget about it and just work at Tiffany’s!
THE FINAL SOLUTION
Even after laying out an easy to follow agenda and offering up several job opportunities to benefit from the Facebook IPO, maybe you’re still too lazy to try. You don’t want to be with rich, hot women for some reason and you don’t want to work at the Ferrari dealer, inhaling sumptuous Italian leather everyday. OK, I can kind of buy that. If you don’t want to listen to any of my advice, then below is my final tip for you.
Buy a real big net, with extra long pole. When Facebook finally goes public, the skies will be raining cash! You want to have the biggest net possible, hopefully with suction action to inhale all the wealth. And if you don’t have your big ass net, and don’t want to come to the SF Bay Area, well then, you can always read about what all these folks are doing over Twitter and sigh.
Congrats Facebook friends! And Egor, I’m gonna chip away at your millions, one bad-beat at a time!
Readers, do you know anybody who works at Facebook? Have you ever had a chance to work there but, goodness forbid, you declined? What type of wealth affect does Facebook have on the industry, the Bay Area, and the Economy?
Are you a buyer of Facebook stock? Why aren’t you out in the Bay Area if you love the internet, social media, and want to get rich? It’s 65-70 degrees and sunny every day in winter!
Photo: Facebook Wealth Catcher. Only crab today, no hundred dollar bills. Fisherman’s Wharf pier. SD
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